i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
