Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
