Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Randomize
