his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
