Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
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