Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
