I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
