he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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