Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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