Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
