May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Randomize
