Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
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