Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
I need help removing her.
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
