Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
