new low.... made out with someone while peeing
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
