why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Randomize
