If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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