I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
you didnt know i had herpes?
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
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