i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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