if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
he had hair everywhere except his balls
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
