I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I need to sanitize my soul.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
