apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
