Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
