Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize
