the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
