watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
