who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
