Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Two words: nipple clamps
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