That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
