Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Randomize
