I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Randomize
