I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
