This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
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