Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize
