this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
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