bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
