i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
