There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Where is the hickey?
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
As shirtless as possible
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
