all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Randomize
