you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
love makes seman taste better
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Randomize
