I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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