i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
