I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Randomize
