dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
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