what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
