1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
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