Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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