Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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