The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
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