Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
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