Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Randomize
